omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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