Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
