The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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