I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers