My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.