you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?