Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Follow @tfln
Cracked IndieClick Humor