What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list