We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.