You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.