I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
I love us.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I AM VODKA MAN
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on