My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
I told him it was alright.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...