Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
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I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
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I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.