Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
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Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
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Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"