I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.