... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
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Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
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I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.