I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."