He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
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Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
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Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?