stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.