I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.