Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
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We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.