she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I could fuck to npr.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen