I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...