we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.