so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.