id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
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well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
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She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina