id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina