Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country