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so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
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