My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.