also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
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Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
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it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT