Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
The police scanner is talking about you again....
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"