I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'm sobbing to NWA
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.