Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
my liver is dry heaving
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You're breaking my sexual little heart