I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate