Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?