If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing