I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.