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he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
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