his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
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I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him