I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then