she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.