So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
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LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
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I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.