Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis