I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.