Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck