I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok