I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?