you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?