He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.