This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.