I'm not coming to work today because tequila
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.