He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
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The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
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However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?