I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Everclear isn't food dammit
is that a dick in a sweater?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
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do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.