I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.