Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.