woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder