People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.