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Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
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