You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
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Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
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New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.