He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like