he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
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He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
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They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.