Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection