I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.