I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.