I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants