I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.