You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.